I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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