i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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