My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
