You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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