totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
