It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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