turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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