How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
