Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
