I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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