Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
