I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
