Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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