fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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