Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
