WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
