I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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