yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
