you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
