for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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