I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
