Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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