It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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