At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
