I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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