i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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