I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
