Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
