I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
