why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
