She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
