That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
