My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
