I can text with my tongue
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
