Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
