im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Too much gin, very little bucket
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
