Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
