Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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