my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
