He uses pillows to masturbate.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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