Moan for me like Helen Keller
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
