how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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