My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
