I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
