It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
