VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
