Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
