I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
