Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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