I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
