a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
