My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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