the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
