I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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