i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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