Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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