I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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