dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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