Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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