We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
