I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
